Sexuality is sold everywhere. Magazines which were once covered in paper bags or left behind the counter in stores and petrol stations are now in full view of everyone. Supermarkets are selling magazines with sexualised front covers which again are being presented publicly on shelves for all to see.
There are billboards around the country and television commercials asking people about wanting longer lasting sex, dealing with erection problems, etc. Programs on television during daytime hours have sex scenes or sexual innuendo at times where pre-school children are watching. Advertisers have marketed children using sexuality (eg. the Bratz dolls, bralettes and brand names). In addition, computers and the internet have increased the accessibility of adult-concepts and inappropriate content whether intentionally or otherwise.
Sadly, our children are being presented with sex and sexuality at incredibly young ages, before they are developmentally able to deal with it. This is having an impact on their wellbeing, with research indicating that children may experience psychological and social problems along the way. Some of these may include depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-esteem issues, and so on. We as parents have the opportunity to make some small changes to prevent this problem, at least in our local areas. We can speak to our supermarket managers and politely ask them to move the magazines, and certainly we can screen the television shows our children watch. And we can boycott inappropriate products that promote advertising sex to children. The computer can be a trickier problem at times, but we can ensure that we have preventative measures in place to reduce the risk to our children. However, when I was a parent-helper in a computer class a number of years ago, a child screamed when they were researching weather patterns when Googling “twister” brought up a picture that shocked the young girl (despite all of the filters in place and parents supervising)!
I will, however, balance this article with things such as dressups, makeup, etc. Sometimes when we demonise some things, we end up “throwing out the baby with the bathwater”. I am not suggesting that we must stop our children from experimenting with being “adult-like” (in fact, I think modelling themselves on the adults in their lives is healthy!). I also believe that sexual education is essential to empower children to understand themselves and the world. We must simply be sure that whatever our children do or face, they are developmentally able to cope with it. And we must use these experiences to debrief them (ie. talk about the issues) to help them make sense of things.
Having said that, I will now step off my soapbox because the issue at hand is the preparation for puberty. No sooner are our babies out of nappies than they are off to school. Shortly after commencing school, they reach adolescence. It all seems to be in the blink of an eye! How can we possibly keep up?
Puberty is starting earlier than it did 100 years ago. We know that physically children are developing at earlier ages than they did in previous generations, and parents are feeling less and less prepared for this stage. We have no training in parenting (but we had/have countless hours of professional development in our paid careers!), yet have to handle a variety of issues that we are ill-prepared for!
I tell parents that it is important to always answer the questions that children ask, but only give the detail that you sense they want (depending on their ages). When a three year old asks you where babies come from, generally they are not asking for a lesson in sex, they may just wonder if they grow on trees or you buy them in the supermarket. Answer each question as it comes, and continue until the child stops asking the questions or seems disinterested. You will get the sense as to whether they want to know more or not. I used this same principle recently with a 16 year old who said he “knew” everything, but I started talking about sexually transmitted diseases, and he did not stop me speaking (despite his well-practiced look of boredom), nor did he walk away.
However, as they get older, there are crucial times when we need to bring up the discussion about sexuality. Schools these days are quite good at running programs at appropriate times, but we are the primary carers, and need to look for the opportunities ourselves. Finding your child looking up words or pictures is a great time to start a conversation (eg. “I know those words are interesting to you now. What do you know about them?”). Your role is to listen to what they know, then contextualise it for them. You are opening up the conversation, giving information, and finding out what they know, then you can correct any misinformation. These are great times to discuss respect, sexuality, normalise certain behaviours (which can include that the child’s interest in the same or opposite sex is “normal”, etc.), and find a common ground. For example, if you son or daughter is giggling at someone’s breasts, you may choose to talk about sexuality, the messages that people send wearing various clothes, and that admiring beauty is natural, but it is important to not to be disrespectful of anyone for any reason regardless of what they wear or do.
And take care to react appropriately yourself – if you laugh, look embarrassed, or pore over the screen/picture, you are modelling the behaviour that your child will probably imitate. If you are making sexual comments or actions about a woman, your son is likely to copy, and your daughter is likely to feel inadequate. If you appear uncomfortable about looking at bodies, you may inadvertently teach shame. It is a difficult tightrope to walk, and is definitely a balancing act!
Parenting is really a difficult role. We are not perfect, nor can we expect ourselves to be. We must do the best that we can, accept our failings and weaknesses (and those of our children!), and tackle the issues as they arise. Talk to other parents, ask them how they would respond to certain situations. Your school will have information if you require more help. If in doubt, you can talk to your local doctor or seek the advice of a psychologist or other professional. And trust yourself – if you are reading this article, you are wanting to educate yourself and become the best parent that you can be. WELL DONE!
Sally-Anne McCormack from WebPsychologist is a Melbourne psychologist, author, former teacher and a mother of 4. Her first book -“Stomp Out The ANTs” - was released in February 2010. You can purchase advanced copies through any of her 3 informative websites: www.WebPsychologist.com.au , www.CyberPsych.com.au and www.ParentsOnline.com.au which offer advice, resources and free email newsletters. She has written many articles for the Huggies website and WebChild, and is often heard on radio, television and seen in print media.
Sally-Anne is registered as a media spokesperson for the Australian Psychological Society (A.P.S.). She has practices in Blackburn and Burwood East, runs adult and child/teen groups for depression, anxiety and insomnia, sees individual clients, and can be contacted via email ( This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ) or by telephone (03) 881 22 373.